The Official Joke Thread

[ArtVandelay]

Every board needs a joke thread, right? I only belong to one other forum, but I think the joke thread was easily the most popular. I thought I'd try to start one here, because isn't it fun to be able to laugh a little?

So when you hear jokes, post them here. I'm not entirely sure how strict the moderators are on this forum, but I'd think a little self policing could go a long way. If it's too dirty, or you even think it's too dirty, probably better not to post it (then again, i read that one about the horse jockey. that was a really good one!).

After all, this IS a bowling forum. What good are ya, if you can't tell a few to the team and get some laughs going?



I'll see if I can't get it started with a couple good ones.

[ArtVandelay]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

****************************************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia He asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

**************************************

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a Coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't Find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you Find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

****************************************

How do you make a sweet, little old lady, say the "F" word?


Have the sweet, little old lady next to her shout, "BINGO!!!"

[ArtVandelay]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a gun to death with the chair!"

[ArtVandelay]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[ArtVandelay]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,"
he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something
in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able
to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by
the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Idiot, get in."

[ArtVandelay]

An elderly man in Alabama had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road,
and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women
had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out
until you leave!' The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

(Old Men Can Still Think Fast!!!)

[ArtVandelay]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....

************************************************** **********************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....

[ArtVandelay]

A man riding his Harley was
riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head
and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over
and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord
said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'

The biker thought
about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men
could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly
happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You
want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[ArtVandelay]

Proper Job Placement...



1. Put 400 bricks in a room.


2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.


3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.


4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces to see what’s inside, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle and doing absolutely nothing, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other about vacationing and golf and not a single brick has been
moved, put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a
way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in
Congress.

[ArtVandelay]

Did you hear about the alcoholic who tried to write a song? He didn't make it past the first few bars.


A pair of jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Allright, I'll serve you, but you better not try to start anything."


Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't get her pupils under control.



A group of students in town for a chess tournament all gathered in the hotel's lobby area to talk of their greatest chess conquests. The manager of the hotel told them that behavior must cease immediately. Turns out, he didn't want, "Chess nuts BOASTING by an open FOYER!!!"

[ArtVandelay]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[ArtVandelay]

A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.'

'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.'

'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?

'They said, 'Good morning, General.'

[ArtVandelay]

Why outsourcing of Mental Health Services might not be the best idea:



"Last night I was feeling really depressed, so I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal. They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck."

[ArtVandelay]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases that have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TR Y SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF : She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule tha t.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues .
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

[ArtVandelay]

So there's a few to get you going. Now it's your turn. I'll post a few more from time to time, if I hear any good ones.

[The KingPin]

Those are great!!! Thank you very much.

I might add for any who may post jokes here... PLEASE keep it clean and un-offensive as this is a site view by youth bowlers and it is a family friendly bowling site.

Thank you Chris

[Baroncad]

Kevin,

You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.

[The KingPin]

Kevin,

You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.


I agree, that is why I keep all open beverages away at all times.

[ArtVandelay]

Kevin,

You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.

Yeah.... And I've learned to keep windex near my computer as well, for the screen. That "spray effect" you always see on tv, can actually happen.





Those are great!!! Thank you very much.

I might add for any who may post jokes here... PLEASE keep it clean and un-offensive as this is a site view by youth bowlers and it is a family friendly bowling site.

Thank you Chris

I sort of figured that, so I tried to keep it clean enough. There were a couple that were borderline, but too good to pass up. Of course, if we started a dirty joke thread, I'd be the leading poster on the board!!! hahahahaha. But that's not the point...

I always find bowling league is much more enjoyable if you get to laugh a little, so a joke thread on a bowling forum just makes sense!

[ArtVandelay]

C'mon guys! hahahahahaha. it's a joke thread, I know you've got 'em! This is a bowling forum. What good is bowling in leagues and tourney's if you don't have a hilarious joke to tell your friends?


Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road...

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL *** OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken cross ed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before
adding new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks!

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing a road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i53/Bug_Nuts/art_chicken_dancing.gif http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i53/Bug_Nuts/dancing_chicken.gif

[ArtVandelay]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

WANTED: HUSBAND!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME.
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you - you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
doorbell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[ArtVandelay]

Here's a sign you can print and place on your bowling team's table, if anyone needs it:


http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u97/kodiakbear_photos/fun%20stuff/stressred.gif

[ArtVandelay]

I live in Texas, so I'm allowed to post this. Sort of like, I'm Irish, so I can call myself a Mc.


40 Things you'll never hear a redneck say:

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

[ArtVandelay]

Here's a Christmas one (tis the season, right?):




When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.Then
Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.When
he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.Then
when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell
to the ground and all the toys were scattered.Frustrated, Sant a went in the house
for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the
straw off the end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa
marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great
big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

[ArtVandelay]

I'll leave this one to the mods to edit if they choose, but I don't think it's too harmful, and it's too funny to omit.


A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

An innocent little girl spit out hers, and said, "Are they a$$ holes?"

[The KingPin]

I'll leave this one to the mods to edit if they choose, but I don't think it's too harmful, and it's too funny to omit.


A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

An innocent little girl spit out hers, and said, "Are they a$$ holes?"




I think that Art should be the BowlingBoards.com Jester?? Any seconds???

[kev3inp]

Yep, I'll second him for that. I've heard most of them, but it's nice to have someone else write them up.

[ArtVandelay]

Gotta have jokes! And I'm honored to have started a thread that's now a sticky. hahahahaha.

[ArtVandelay]

Ah, it's Christmas time. Here's one of my favorite jokes. It reminds me of Christmas years ago, and I first heard it years ago, so you've probably heard it too:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complained that she was incredibly slow and the whole line was backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decided he should see this for himself, so the 2 men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up that there were Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package carefully between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .

"I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[ArtVandelay]

New Dog Breeds Recognized by AKC

The following new combination dog breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes (and Charles BARKley's favorite word)

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ****zu
Bull..... Oh, never mind

[ThongPrincess]

Three older women are in a car driving down the freeway. The two women in the back are visibly shaken and keep telling the driver she is going too slow and is going to be pulled over. The driver tells them to settle down she knows what she is doing.

A CHP pulls up behind her and sure enough he puts his lights on and pulls her over. He walks up and asks if there is a problem. She tells him no and wants to know why she was pulled over. He tells her she was going too slow and was clocked at 15 mph. She says she was just going the speed limit. All the signs said 15. He tells her that is the Highway number not the speed limit.

He then notices the women in the back seat and asks if they are alright. She tells him not to worry give them a few minutes and they will be fine. They just got off the 110.

[kev3inp]

Ouch! It still hurts when I laugh too hard! :)

[ArtVandelay]

Here are some stats about the human body:


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man’s ***** is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women reading this will be finished now.


Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

[The KingPin]

Wow we need some new jokes!!!

[Duke Harding]

IRS
decides to audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him
to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with
his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain
by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that
believable.

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How
about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my
own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a
bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to
get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and
never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although
he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates
all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned
a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me
twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here
and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
it!'

[Jord_84]

I got this one in an email from my grandma of all people!


Scam At Home Depot Be Careful !!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they ask you for a ride to Lowes. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

[Jord_84]

7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN!
>
>
>
>
> A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
> The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
> The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
> The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
> The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

>
> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
> As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
> The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
> The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like"
> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

>
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
> After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

> One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
> She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
>
>
> The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
> "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'thats Michael, He's a doctor.'
> A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
>
>
> A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
>
>
> The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
>Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
> A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Jord_84]

heard a good one at bowling this morning.

An Irish priest is driving through New York when he gets pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
The officer notices the priest smells like alcohol, the officer also notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
"Have you been drinking?" The officer asks.
"Only water" replies the priest.
"Then why do you smell like wine?" asks the officer.
The priest yells "Praise Jesus! He has done it again!"

[onefrombills]

What did the egg say to the Boiling water?


Its going to take a while to get me hard I just got laid by some chick

[ArtVandelay]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[ArtVandelay]

Here's a good one:

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the un-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help!
Joe.


Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. While Girlfriend 7.0 is a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to un-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Legal Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGIZE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc* key. It may be necessary to run C:\ IAPOLOGIZE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

[NoTapNorm]

Thanks for updating a classic!!!!!

[ArtVandelay]

is there an older version of that joke? I hadn't seen it. Truth be told, I don't think any of these jokes are my own. I either see or hear them somewhere else and steal them for our gain! hahahahaha.

[onefrombills]

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raise s both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[Graaille]

A young man was giving grief to his grandpa, saying that he could do anything better than the old man. Finally, gramps has had enough, and challenges the young man to a contest. If he could beat grandpa on any of 3 things, then he could say what he wanted to. But if grandpa beat him on all 3, the young man had to sit down and shut up. Naturally the young man agreed to the contest.

Wednesday night, they went to a restaurant and grandpa ordered the biggest steak on the menu, with all the trimmings for both himself and the young man. 30 minutes later grandpa licked the plate clean, but the young man was sitting there having done well, but he couldn't finish his meal.

Thursday night they went to the bar, and grandpa bought 2 quarts of whisky, and they took turns downing shots. The young man got 3/4 of the way thru his bottle before it all came back up. Grandpa just looked at him and finished off his bottle and the young man's bottle too.

Friday night they went to the local house of ill repute, where grandpa ordered up 10 of their most beautiful women, and they went to a room together. The young man started sweating and grinning - just knowing that he was gonna win tonights contest. 20 minutes later after all the ladies were undressed and had rubbed themselves all over both of them, grandpa stands up and takes down his pants -- pulls his stuff out and ties it in a knot, then looks at the young man and says "Your turn".

[Jord_84]

Long but good,

THINGS TO DO AT WALMART:

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this ****, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: "Marco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically sing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people aren't looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use white-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Pull out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.

[kev3inp]

A man was quoted as saying "America will get behind a black president when pigs fly!" 100 days after the inauguration, swine flu.

[Graaille]

A man was quoted as saying "America will get behind a black president when pigs fly!" 100 days after the inauguration, swine flu.

That's as much fun as playing whak-a-mole w/Cindy Crawford.

[Jord_84]

A man was quoted as saying "America will get behind a black president when pigs fly!" 100 days after the inauguration, swine flu.

darnit you beat me to it!!!

I got that on my phone yesterday

[kev3inp]

Someone at work heard it on the radio and by the end of the day everybody had it as a text. Very "viral" isn't it? ;)

[Jord_84]

Someone at work heard it on the radio and by the end of the day everybody had it as a text. Very "viral" isn't it? ;)

har har har...yes it is!

my mom got it in an email and then forwarded it to me yesterday.
then I heard it on "Bob and Tom" this morning.

another good joke from Bob and Tom:
when Obama runs for re-election in 4 years, he can run on the "once you go black, you never go back" platform....which will guarantee him the chubby white girl vote, and that's a lot of votes.

[Jord_84]

time for a new joke
http://208.116.9.205/10/content/14584/1.jpg

[Efusjon]

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell any carrots?

[jBryan]

Hahaha the e-mail with the spider drawing is hilarious.

[The KingPin]

Here is a great quote


"In life you are either the pigeon or the statue"

[JaxBowlingGuy]

time for a new joke
http://208.116.9.205/10/content/14584/1.jpg



That spider email was great... it passed around our office a couple months ago... long but work it...lol

[poflobo]

This is actually a true story.

Not long after my divorce, during a conversation with a friend, I asked "Where are all the good-looking, intelligent women who are close to my age?"

He said "DEAD!"

[Stormed1]

This is a test for Intelligent People.
I have determined that you qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?





The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tested whether you tend to do simple things In an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?





Did you say, Open the refrigerator,
Put in the elephant,
And close the Refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, Put in the elephant and close the door.
This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one.
Which animal does not attend?




Correct Answer: The Elephant.

The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.

This tested your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?






Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.



Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

[poflobo]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."



The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.......You can have the duck."

[poflobo]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they
could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you
want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well, the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[Maine Man]

A blonde text my phone and here is the transcript of our interaction:

blonde: "What does idk mean?"

me: "I don't know"

blonde: "OMG, nobody seems to know!!!"

[poflobo]

A blonde woman was sitting on an airplane, staring straight ahead and listening to her Ipod.

A stewardess came by and asked her if she needed anything. The blonde just stared straight ahead and never answered. The stewardess asked her again, but the blonde ignored her.

She was ticked off. The stewardess reached over and pulled the earphones out of the passenger's ears. The blonde woman screamed, gasped and fell over DEAD! There was nothing the stewardess could do to save her.

It was then she noticed noise coming from the blonde's Ipod. She picked up earphones and heard... "Breathe in! Breathe out!" "Breathe in! Breathe out!"

[Maine Man]

What do you get when you line up 100 Blondes ear to ear?

A wind tunnel....

[poflobo]

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces ( USRSF) from East Texas .

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.!

[hondo]

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"

St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, according to this you died at the age preordained."

That doesn't seem fair, for ones lifespan to be only 38 years, replied the attorney.

St. Peter, looking confused for a second, says, "No, it says you were to die when you turned 89."

The attorney immediately protests and asks St. Peter to look into his death.

After a few moments of studying St. Peter says, "Ah, I see the problem, we calculated your age by your billable hours to clients.":rolleyes:

[poflobo]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , while waiting for their respective flights...
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few," he sneers,"'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .

"I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
But I do believe it's a-comin'."

[Maine Man]

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

"Dead-ant..........Dead-ant......................Dead-ant...Dead-ant...Dead-ant!!"

[poflobo]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-boom Tiiiish! ;{P

[Jord_84]

For the younger members of these forums, this series of emails does contain profanity.

Epic lawn chair war (http://www.burbia.com/index.php?q=img_assist/popup/2828)
lawn chair war page 2 (http://burbia.com/index.php?q=img_assist/popup/2858)
epic lawn chair war conclusion (http://burbia.com/index.php?q=img_assist/popup/2879)

[Maine Man]

What is the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade?

Tiger Woods can drive the golf ball 300 yards straight.

[Maine Man]

What does Tiger Woods and seals have in common?

They both get clubbed by Swedish people.

[Stormed1]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[BearClaw1973]

These two old Farmers were sitting on the front porch rocking in their rocking chairs, drinking Ice Tea just looking out at the fields. Nothing much being said just enjoying the day and swatting at flies and such. The old farm Hound Dog walked lazily onto the front yard and plopped down at the foot of the porch steps. All the sudden the old Hound started licking himself. The old Farmers steady rocking and sipping their Tea when one Farmer looked over at the other and said "ya know Bobby, I wish I could do that". A few moments later the other Farmer stoped and pulled the tooth pick from his mouth and said "Earl,....that dog will bite you".

[BRStrikeForce]

One morning Barack Obama woke up and took a shower. He stepped out of the shower, looked in the mirror, and screamed. What he saw in the mirror was that he was white from the neck up. He called his doctor and explained what he saw, and the doctor told him to come in. Obama arrived at the doctor's office and the doctor examined him. The doctor moved to his medical table and produced a brownish, nasty looking liquid, and told Obama to drink it. Obama drank the mix and said, "This tastes like bull****." The doctor replied, "It is, you're about a quart short."

[JMH]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[WAC4504]

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement
of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been
exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at
the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks
from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part
were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his
arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a
call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room.
When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was
no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an
old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to
make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong
room."
__________________________________________________ _____________

[JMH]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[comfortably numb]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he couldn't go around it.

[CMoore]

What did yes say to no? Maybe!!!

[comfortably numb]

The 18 year old's Mom and Dad were having a hard time deciding what kind of boy they had raised, so a week after high school graduation, they decided to test him, without his knowledge. The Dad laid out three items in plain view for his son to see when he got home from visiting a buddy...a bottle of whiskey, a fifty dollar bill, and a Bible; if he chose the whiskey, he was going to be a drunk; if he chose the money, he was going to be a businessman; if he chose the Bible, he was going to be a preacher. The Dad and Mom hid themselves in a place where they could see what their son would choose, without being seen by their son. Sure enough, a few minutes later their son arrived home and immediately saw the three items. First, he picked up the 50 dollar bill and put it in his pocket. Next, he took a great big swig of the whiskey; finally, he picked up the Bible and stuck it under his arm, and walked away. "Oh, no" his Dad whispered to his mother, "it's our worst fear....he's going to be a politician!!"

[comfortably numb]

Game 7 of the World Series had just ended, and all the reporters crowded into the winner's locker room. The final score had been 1-0, with the winning run scoring on a base's-loaded walk! The reporters couldn't help but notice that every member of the winning team was hugging and thanking their rarely-used utility infielder, Joe. One of the reporters went over to Joe and stuck a microphone in his face, and said "Joe, why are all your teammates congratulating you...you didn't even play tonight!" Joe explained, "You know, I'm old friends with their relief pitcher, Mel Famey, who came in with the bases loaded and walked in the winning run. Last night, we got together at the hotel bar, and I got him really, really drunk on Blatz beer. So you can say that Blatz is the beer that made Mel Famey walk us."

[The Mayor]

Game 7 of the World Series had just ended, and all the reporters crowded into the winner's locker room. The final score had been 1-0, with the winning run scoring on a base's-loaded walk! The reporters couldn't help but notice that every member of the winning team was hugging and thanking their rarely-used utility infielder, Joe. One of the reporters went over to Joe and stuck a microphone in his face, and said "Joe, why are all your teammates congratulating you...you didn't even play tonight!" Joe explained, "You know, I'm old friends with their relief pitcher, Mel Famey, who came in with the bases loaded and walked in the winning run. Last night, we got together at the hotel bar, and I got him really, really drunk on Blatz beer. So you can say that Blatz is the beer that made Mel Famey walk us."

I don't get it... lol

[comfortably numb]

Explanation....In the 60's and 70's, Blatz beer had a slogan: "Blatz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous." Joke ends with "Blatz is the beer that made Mel Famie walk-us."...............Ah, young people. {sigh}

[The Mayor]

lol yeah... definitely don't remember that

[comfortably numb]

When a guy is in his 20's and 30's, he talks about what great sex he had last night.
When a guy is in his 40's and 50's, he talks about what a great dinner he ate last night.
When a guy is in his 60's and older, he talks about what a great bowel movement he had last night!

[comfortably numb]

A single guy was bragging to his married buddy about all the fine women he has been dating, and asked his married buddy, "Hey, don't you ever wish you could be playing the field again?" His buddy replied, "Why should I go out for hamburger when I have steak at home?!"

[Tenkei]

I do apologize ahead of time if profanity is frowned upon in this forum. If anyone feels offended by it, please let me know!

A Rabbit walks up to a bear thats sitting next to a tree. The Bear asks the Rabbit "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with **** being on your fur?", the Rabbit, thinking for a moment, replies "No, not at all".
So the Bear picks up the rabbit, and wipes his *** with him.

[Tenkei]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

[comfortably numb]

The elderly lady came home from Wednesday night Bible Study at her church, and as she was unlocking her front door, she saw a burglar walking across her living room! Thinking quickly, she yelled at the burglar, "Acts 2:38, stop sinning!!" The burglar froze in his tracks and didn't say a word. The elderly lady dialed 911 and soon the cops arrived and arrested the burglar. After speaking with the elderly lady, one of the cops walked over to where the burglar was sitting in the back of a police car, and asked the burglar, "Why didn't you run away...all she did was quote scripture to you!!" The burglar looked very surprised, and said "Scripture? I thought she said that she had an axe and two 38's!!"

[Tenkei]

LOL that's a good one.

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

[uplander]

Some men do remember aniversaries:


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.


He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.


The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I
do," she replies.


The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your
father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"


"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"


"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."

[uplander]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[uplander]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

[HunterRunsIt]

The cake is a lie.

[glen290]

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'



Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'



Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

[StormGirl]

A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender yells "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!" The mushroom says "but why? I'm a fun guy"

[Trex]

American Machine and Foundry was founded by Rufus L. Patterson, inventor of the first automated cigarette manufacturing machine. Originally incorporated in New Jersey but operating in Brooklyn, the company began by manufacturing cigarette, baking, and stitching machines. In 1943, Patterson's son, Morehead Patterson, took over AMF. After World War II ended, Patterson determined that the company had to 'grow or die'. Searching for new products, he came across a crude prototype of an automatic bowling-pin setter. To get the necessary cash to develop the invention, Patterson swapped off AMF stock to acquire eight small companies with fast-selling products. After incorporating key features developed by Leslie L. LeVeque, the AMF Pinspotter was perfected and put on the market in 1951, this helped to turn bowling into the most popular U.S. participative competitive sport!!

Sadly they never learned proper lane maintenance, and to this very day they still do not comprehend it!!! :rolleyes:

[bowl1820]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, You've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

[StormGirl]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[StormGirl]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[StormGirl]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[StormGirl]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[bdpeters]

Now that right there is funny.

[StormGirl]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[StormGirl]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[StormGirl]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[StormGirl]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[StormGirl]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

[HunterRunsIt]

I think my bowling is a joke...I'll leave it at that :).

[StormGirl]

I think my bowling is a joke...I'll leave it at that :).

Lol I don't mean to be rude, but that did make me laugh.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

[StormGirl]

A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair either way.”

[StormGirl]

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's *****."

She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

[StormGirl]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[StormGirl]

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[StormGirl]

A young guy at a bar: “Hey, bartender. Pour me a cold one.”
“Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?”
“Maybe later. Right now I just wanna a beer.”

[StormGirl]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

[StormGirl]

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[HunterRunsIt]

Why did the chicken cross the road? So we would endlessly ponder weather he indeed crossed the road or not.

[StormGirl]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

[StormGirl]

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

[StormGirl]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

[StormGirl]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

[StormGirl]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[StormGirl]

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[StormGirl]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

[StormGirl]

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

[StormGirl]

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[HunterRunsIt]

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his *****, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

[HunterRunsIt]

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses.

[littlelegs]

Did you hear about the farmer who's wife left him? He came home to find a John Deer letter on the table.

[bowl1820]

Groaner ... Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However, all the league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[bowl1820]

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a
bowling ball.
-Don Carter, pro bowler

[bowl1820]

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than
any other game.
-Bruce Lansky

[bowl1820]

Top 10 Things to do While in an Elevator...
10. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
8. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
7. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
5. Start a sing-along.
4. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
1. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

[striker12]

Top 10 Things to do While in an Elevator...
10. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
8. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
7. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
5. Start a sing-along.
4. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
1. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

ok bowl this is one of the best ones that i have seen i like it

[bowl1820]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a tbunnie****."

[bowl1820]

Oldie but a Goodie
A man on His Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head.

In a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
...
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, plus it's hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside. What she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment. Why she cries. What she means when she says nothing's wrong. Why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[bowl1820]

Fishing
Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[bowl1820]

Three Hard Mice
Three Hard Mice
Three male mice were sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila, arguing about how tough they were.

The first mouse said, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the second mouse.

The second mouse replied, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the third mouse.

The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and began walking away from the bar.

The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"

The third mouse replied, "Home to shag the cat."

[bowl1820]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something in its rear end. I walked over and lifted the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it—stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I was lifting the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that"!

[JerseyJim]

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come
off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing some kind of "barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know
each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a
backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent
Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[JerseyJim]

A store that sells husbands to single women opens where a woman may go to choose from many available men. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

There are only six floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, Jane decides to go to the Husband Store to find herself a mate.

She gets to the first floor and the sign says:

"Floor 1 - These men have jobs."

She figures she can do better, so she goes up the next flight.

"Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids."

Not bad, she decides, but what about companionship? She moves on.

"Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."

Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor, where the sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor #46,012 to this floor today. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step when you exit the building and have a nice day!

[JerseyJim]

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

[bowl1820]

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

Beat you with this version :p:p
http://www.bowlingboards.com/threads/1170-The-Official-Joke-Thread?p=38276&viewfull=1#post38276

[JerseyJim]

Beat you with this version :p:p
http://www.bowlingboards.com/threads/1170-The-Official-Joke-Thread?p=38276&viewfull=1#post38276

Dang, I missed it, I didn't want to duplicate anybody's entry. :D

[bowl1820]

my first skydiving instructor
All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

[bowl1820]

a team of blondes
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

[bowl1820]

AFTER THE PHYSICAL


One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

[bowl1820]

JOHN THE BAPTIST


A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighbourhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"

[bowl1820]

THE DEAF WIFE


A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

[bowl1820]

THE NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF HEALTH


The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.

3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

[bowl1820]

Big Chief Forget-me Not
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab
decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.

[bowl1820]

A king had two sons. The king was getting very old and he didnt know who to give his kingdom to. So he got his sons together for a horse race. He said Whoevers horse crosses the finish line last gets my kingdom. So they both started out very slow until they came to a man on the side of the road. He asked why they were riding so slow. They told him their story and the man gave them two words of advice. After hearing these words they took off as fast as they could. What were the two words of advice?

Answer:
Fvzcyl gb fjnc ubefrf (jurerol trggvat npebff gur svavfu yvar svefg jbhyq rafher gung gur evqref ubefr pebffrq ynfg).

[The German Shepherd]

An accordion player arrived home after an exhausting gigat a wedding reception. He was so tired that he didn't feel like he had the eneergy t lug hs heavy accordion and case back into the house, so he carefull locked all the doors and checked the windows to make sure his accordion would be safe until morning. After a good night's sleep, he remembered that he had left his accordion in the back seat of his car, and he rushed out to get it and take it back inside. But when he got to his car, he realized that his nightmare had happened. Somebody had smashed out his back window, and put another accordion in the backseat of his car...

[JerseyJim]

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later , the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

[martinezsam2495]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[martinezsam2495]

Some funny bowling sayings I heard,
If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

[martinezsam2495]

Johnny's teacher tells her class, "Class, I'm going to ask you a question at 2.55pm every Thursday and whoever answers it correctly will be excused from school on Friday and can enjoy a three-day weekend."

The students got really excited about this and were anxiously awaiting fro Thursday afternoon to arrive. On Thursday, at precisely 2.55 pm, the teacher addressed the class. " Students, this week's question is 'Who can tell me Pythagorean Theorem ?" After a long pause she said, "Well, I guess I'll see you all tomorrow."

The teacher was teasing the childern. She always planned to ask question that no fifth grader could ever answer.

Now Johnny was getting wise to the teacher's scam. The following Thursday, Johny brought to school both his parent's bowling balls. At 2.54, he rolled them down the aisle and they crased into the teacher's desk. The teacher jumped up, came around the front of the desk and yelled, "All right, who's the comedian with the big balls?"

Johnny says, "Eddie Murphy! See you monday!

[RoccoRock]

3 guys were driving through the country, and their car breaks down. They walk to the farm up the road. They ask the farmer if they can stay the night, and get the car fixed in the morning. He says ok, he takes one of them to the barn with the pigs, and says, you can sleep in here. He takes another to the barn with the cows, and says, you can sleep in here. He takes the third guy and says I only have room for you to sleep in here. He opens the door, and the room has the farmers 18 daughters. So when the men wake up they sit at the breakfast table together. The first guys says "man I feel like a pig, cause I slept with those pigs. The sendond guy say "yeah I feel like a cow, cause I slept with those cows." The third guy say "well I feel like a golf ball, I've been in and out of 18 holes."

[bowl1820]

Okay Motiv that ball has to much continuation, dial it back some.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dNcjoUDBkhs/T2Co2P8fT8I/AAAAAAAACVU/gtx3vQl4m-g/s400/Weird_Buildings+01.jpg

[GeoLes]

What is a fruit bat?

Something you hand a Mexican vegetarian kid at his birthday party.

[GeoLes]

What was tigger looking or in the toilet?

A little Pooh

[AZBowla]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop."

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second would have had the sense to duck.

A termite walks into a bar and asks "So, where's the bar tender?"

A priest, a rabbi and a horse all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What the hell, is this some sort of joke?"

I've got more of these, but I'll spare you the agony. :D

[GoodGorilla]

Men make 2 % more money than women do, but the women keep the rest.

[hehateme]

Here's a real groaner...


There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some a$$h*le out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just wh*res and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

[hondo]

A fourth grade teacher was telling her students about life in the ocean when Suzie excitedly raised her hand and asked the teacher, "What kind of fish swallowed Jonah in the Bible?"

The teacher was a bit uneasy since Suzie brought up the Bible in class, however, being a liberal socialist, she felt the need to explain to Suzie the truth about the Bible. The teacher said, "Suzie the Bible is a book of fairy tales and fables, it's all make believe."

Suzie quickly shot back, totally ignoring the non-Bible believing comments and asked, "Was it a really really big fish?"

The teacher explained again that the Bible and everything in it was untrue.

Suzie then replied, "Never mind teacher, I'll just ask Jonah myself when I get to Heaven."

The teacher fired back, a bit too aggressively, wanting to unsettle the 10 year old, "And what if Jonah doesn't go to Heaven?"

Calmly Suzie replied, " Then you can ask him yourself."

[Brother_jd]

A fourth grade teacher was telling her students about life in the ocean when Suzie excitedly raised her hand and asked the teacher, "What kind of fish swallowed Jonah in the Bible?"

The teacher was a bit uneasy since Suzie brought up the Bible in class, however, being a liberal socialist, she felt the need to explain to Suzie the truth about the Bible. The teacher said, "Suzie the Bible is a book of fairy tales and fables, it's all make believe."

Suzie quickly shot back, totally ignoring the non-Bible believing comments and asked, "Was it a really really big fish?"

The teacher explained again that the Bible and everything in it was untrue.

Suzie then replied, "Never mind teacher, I'll just ask Jonah myself when I get to Heaven."

The teacher fired back, a bit too aggressively, wanting to unsettle the 10 year old, "And what if Jonah doesn't go to Heaven?"

Calmly Suzie replied, " Then you can ask him yourself."

Suzie's teacher is not a very smart. If she doesn't know the difference between a mammal and a fish.

[ArtVandelay]

Here's a real groaner...


There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some a$$h*le out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just wh*res and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

I heard a different variation of this one, once. Yours is much better. hahahaha.

[GeoLes]

A married couple of 35 years finally decides to get counseling. Once in the phychologists office she strarts right in ......He was such a wonderful husband and lover. Now he sits around the house in that dirty undershirt watching Tour De France vidiows and such. I'm neglected and I may as well not be here at all, except when he needs someone go get him a beer. I don't now how much more of this I can take. Ignored, unloved, overworked..........

The counselor looks at the husband and says "What do you have to say?" - No response .

He gets, walks over to the wife. stands her up. and kisses her passionately in front of the husband, then sits down again.

He stares at the husband and firmly says...

Do you think you can do this for her three times a week?

The husband thinks and responds.....yes, I think so...

I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesdays, but I golf on Fridays.......

[GeoLes]

The 40-year old virgin finally finds love in the Chineese restaurant. It was love at first sight. He had been studying sex most of his adult life and here is his chance to try all the things he imagined. they lock the door and "have at it". Finally, he cries out in passion....

"I want sixty-nine."


""Sixty-nine"

To which his partner says...

"You wan, Chicken Cantonese now? "