The Official Joke Thread

[ArtVandelay]

Every board needs a joke thread, right? I only belong to one other forum, but I think the joke thread was easily the most popular. I thought I'd try to start one here, because isn't it fun to be able to laugh a little?

So when you hear jokes, post them here. I'm not entirely sure how strict the moderators are on this forum, but I'd think a little self policing could go a long way. If it's too dirty, or you even think it's too dirty, probably better not to post it (then again, i read that one about the horse jockey. that was a really good one!).

After all, this IS a bowling forum. What good are ya, if you can't tell a few to the team and get some laughs going?



I'll see if I can't get it started with a couple good ones.

[ArtVandelay]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

****************************************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia He asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

**************************************

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a Coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't Find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you Find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

****************************************

How do you make a sweet, little old lady, say the "F" word?


Have the sweet, little old lady next to her shout, "BINGO!!!"

[ArtVandelay]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a gun to death with the chair!"

[ArtVandelay]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[ArtVandelay]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,"
he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something
in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able
to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by
the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Idiot, get in."

[ArtVandelay]

An elderly man in Alabama had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road,
and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women
had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out
until you leave!' The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

(Old Men Can Still Think Fast!!!)

[ArtVandelay]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....

************************************************** **********************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....

[ArtVandelay]

A man riding his Harley was
riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head
and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over
and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord
said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'

The biker thought
about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men
could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly
happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You
want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[ArtVandelay]

Proper Job Placement...



1. Put 400 bricks in a room.


2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.


3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.


4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces to see what’s inside, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle and doing absolutely nothing, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other about vacationing and golf and not a single brick has been
moved, put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a
way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in
Congress.

[ArtVandelay]

Did you hear about the alcoholic who tried to write a song? He didn't make it past the first few bars.


A pair of jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Allright, I'll serve you, but you better not try to start anything."


Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't get her pupils under control.



A group of students in town for a chess tournament all gathered in the hotel's lobby area to talk of their greatest chess conquests. The manager of the hotel told them that behavior must cease immediately. Turns out, he didn't want, "Chess nuts BOASTING by an open FOYER!!!"