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Thread: The Official Joke Thread

  1. #11
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    On the first day, God created the dog and said:

    'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

    The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

    So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

    'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

    The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

    And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said:

    'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

    The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created man and said:

    'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

    But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
    the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

    'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

    So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

  2. #12
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

    Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.'

    'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.'

    'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?

    'They said, 'Good morning, General.'
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

  3. #13
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    Why outsourcing of Mental Health Services might not be the best idea:



    "Last night I was feeling really depressed, so I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal. They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck."
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

  4. #14
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    Default From Human Resources

    Dear Employees:

    It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

    Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases that have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

    Number 1
    TR Y SAYING: I think you could use more training.
    INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

    Number 2
    TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
    INSTEAD OF : She's a f___ing bit__.

    Number 3
    TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
    INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

    Number 4
    TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
    INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

    Number 5
    TRY SAYING: Really?
    INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

    Number 6
    TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
    INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

    Number 7
    TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
    INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

    Number 8
    TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
    INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

    Number 9
    TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
    INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

    Number 10
    TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule tha t.
    INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

    Number 11
    TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues .
    INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

    Number 12
    TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
    INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

    Number 13
    TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
    INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

    Number 14
    TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
    INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

    Number 15
    TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
    INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

    Number 16
    TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
    INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

    Number 17
    TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
    INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

    Number 18
    TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
    INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

    Thank You,
    Human Resources
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

  5. #15
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    So there's a few to get you going. Now it's your turn. I'll post a few more from time to time, if I hear any good ones.
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

  6. #16
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    Those are great!!! Thank you very much.

    I might add for any who may post jokes here... PLEASE keep it clean and un-offensive as this is a site view by youth bowlers and it is a family friendly bowling site.

    Thank you Chris
    Go Broncos!

  7. #17
    SandBagger Baroncad's Avatar
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    Kevin,

    You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

    Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

    You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.
    All pins are POSSESSED, I'm just happy to be able to exorcise the poor dears and put them out of their misery.
    It's the least I can do
    High Game: 265
    High Series: 665
    Avg.: 180

    I'm a proud member of bowlingboards.com Bowling Forums

  8. #18
    Founder/Owner


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    Quote Originally Posted by Baroncad View Post
    Kevin,

    You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

    Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

    You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.

    I agree, that is why I keep all open beverages away at all times.
    Go Broncos!

  9. #19
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baroncad View Post
    Kevin,

    You are now on my list of people I can't read while at work.

    Sorry to upset you but it is rather odd to keep saying "I spilled a drink in my lap"

    You have several good jokes, that had me rolling.
    Yeah.... And I've learned to keep windex near my computer as well, for the screen. That "spray effect" you always see on tv, can actually happen.




    Quote Originally Posted by The KingPin View Post
    Those are great!!! Thank you very much.

    I might add for any who may post jokes here... PLEASE keep it clean and un-offensive as this is a site view by youth bowlers and it is a family friendly bowling site.

    Thank you Chris
    I sort of figured that, so I tried to keep it clean enough. There were a couple that were borderline, but too good to pass up. Of course, if we started a dirty joke thread, I'd be the leading poster on the board!!! hahahahaha. But that's not the point...

    I always find bowling league is much more enjoyable if you get to laugh a little, so a joke thread on a bowling forum just makes sense!
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

  10. #20
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    Default This thread is lagging behind!!!

    C'mon guys! hahahahahaha. it's a joke thread, I know you've got 'em! This is a bowling forum. What good is bowling in leagues and tourney's if you don't have a hilarious joke to tell your friends?


    Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

    BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

    JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road...

    SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL *** OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

    HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken cross ed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before
    adding new problems.

    ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks!

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become
    gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing a road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

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