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Thread: The Official Joke Thread

  1. #31
    Loved Very Much ThongPrincess's Avatar
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    Three older women are in a car driving down the freeway. The two women in the back are visibly shaken and keep telling the driver she is going too slow and is going to be pulled over. The driver tells them to settle down she knows what she is doing.

    A CHP pulls up behind her and sure enough he puts his lights on and pulls her over. He walks up and asks if there is a problem. She tells him no and wants to know why she was pulled over. He tells her she was going too slow and was clocked at 15 mph. She says she was just going the speed limit. All the signs said 15. He tells her that is the Highway number not the speed limit.

    He then notices the women in the back seat and asks if they are alright. She tells him not to worry give them a few minutes and they will be fine. They just got off the 110.

  2. #32
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    Ouch! It still hurts when I laugh too hard!

  3. #33
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    Here are some stats about the human body:


    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

    The average man’s ***** is three times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



    Women reading this will be finished now.


    Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
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  4. #34
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    Wow we need some new jokes!!!
    Go Broncos!

  5. #35

    Talking The IRS....................

    IRS
    decides to audit Grandpa

    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him
    to the IRS office.

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with
    his attorney.

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
    lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain
    by saying that you win money gambling.

    I'm not sure the IRS finds that
    believable.

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How
    about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
    ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my
    own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a
    bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
    drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
    bite my other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
    bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
    grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to
    get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
    thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
    desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and
    never get a drop anywhere in between.'
    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
    carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could
    possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although
    he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
    wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates
    all over the auditor's desk.
    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned
    a major loss into a huge win.
    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his
    hands.

    Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
    told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me
    twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here
    and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
    it!'
    Duke Harding

  6. #36
    Cranker Jord_84's Avatar
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    I got this one in an email from my grandma of all people!


    Scam At Home Depot Be Careful !!

    A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
    Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they ask you for a ride to Lowes. You agree and they get in the backseat.

    On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

    I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

    So tell your friends to be careful.

    P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each
    High Game-279
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  7. #37
    Cranker Jord_84's Avatar
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    7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN!
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    > The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
    > The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
    > Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
    > The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
    > The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
    > The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

    >
    > A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
    > As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
    > The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
    > The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like"
    > Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

    >
    > A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
    > After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    > One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
    > She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
    >
    >
    > The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
    > "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'thats Michael, He's a doctor.'
    > A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
    >
    >
    > A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
    "Yes," the class said.
    Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
    A little fellow shouted,
    "Cause your feet ain't empty."
    >
    >
    > The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
    "Take only ONE . God is watching."
    >Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
    > A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
    High Game-279
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  8. #38
    Cranker Jord_84's Avatar
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    heard a good one at bowling this morning.

    An Irish priest is driving through New York when he gets pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
    The officer notices the priest smells like alcohol, the officer also notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
    "Have you been drinking?" The officer asks.
    "Only water" replies the priest.
    "Then why do you smell like wine?" asks the officer.
    The priest yells "Praise Jesus! He has done it again!"
    High Game-279
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    Righty, Tweener, I proudly use products from Storm, Etonic, and Robby Revs.


    I'm a proud member of BowlingBoards.com Bowling Forums

  9. #39
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    What did the egg say to the Boiling water?


    Its going to take a while to get me hard I just got laid by some chick
    ~Brian Hirsch~
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  10. #40
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
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    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


    Principal:
    'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry:
    '9.'

    Principal:
    'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry:
    '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
    'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'


    Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
    'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry:
    'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

    Harry:
    'Coconut.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks:
    'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry:
    'Firetruck.'


    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
    'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

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