Page 5 of 17 FirstFirst 12345678915 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 170

Thread: The Official Joke Thread

  1. #41
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    North Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
    Posts
    808
    Chats: 19

    Default

    Here's a good one:

    Dear Tech Support:

    I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

    In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

    Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the un-install doesn't work on this program.

    Can you please help!
    Joe.


    Dear Joe,

    This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

    Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. While Girlfriend 7.0 is a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

    You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to un-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

    Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Legal Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

    When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGIZE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc* key. It may be necessary to run C:\ IAPOLOGIZE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

    Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

    Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

    Best of luck!
    Tech Support
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

  2. #42
    Mack Daddy
    NoTapNorm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Greater Dayton, OH
    Posts
    183
    Blog Entries
    3
    Chats: 1

    Default

    Thanks for updating a classic!!!!!
    There's always one off center in the rack

    Info: AVG 206, Stroker, Righty, Gladiator Pearl, Track The Rising, Hammer Rayzr, Storm Virtual Gravity, Storm Reign, PBA Platinum

    Wish List-Hammer Jigsaw

    I am a proud member of BowlingBoards.com Bowling Forums

  3. #43
    Cranker ArtVandelay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    North Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
    Posts
    808
    Chats: 19

    Default

    is there an older version of that joke? I hadn't seen it. Truth be told, I don't think any of these jokes are my own. I either see or hear them somewhere else and steal them for our gain! hahahahaha.
    Not helping the situation since 1983.


    Bowling Average: 180
    Bowling Handicap: Beer
    Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
    Righty / Lefty: Righty
    Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
    Best Game: 267
    Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)

  4. #44
    Super Moderator
    onefrombills's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Phoenix, AZ
    Posts
    2,136
    Chats: 12

    Default $7 sex

    An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
    The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
    The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
    The doctor raise s both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

    When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'



    He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


    T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row.

    The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


    The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

    She's married; so we can't go to her house.

    I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

    The Holiday Inn charges $98.

    The Hilton charges $139.

    We do it here for $50, and
    Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
    ~Brian Hirsch~
    VISE Staff Member
    Bowlingboards.com You're #1 Online Bowling Forums

  5. #45
    SandBagger
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    246
    Blog Entries
    35
    Chats: 52

    Default

    A young man was giving grief to his grandpa, saying that he could do anything better than the old man. Finally, gramps has had enough, and challenges the young man to a contest. If he could beat grandpa on any of 3 things, then he could say what he wanted to. But if grandpa beat him on all 3, the young man had to sit down and shut up. Naturally the young man agreed to the contest.

    Wednesday night, they went to a restaurant and grandpa ordered the biggest steak on the menu, with all the trimmings for both himself and the young man. 30 minutes later grandpa licked the plate clean, but the young man was sitting there having done well, but he couldn't finish his meal.

    Thursday night they went to the bar, and grandpa bought 2 quarts of whisky, and they took turns downing shots. The young man got 3/4 of the way thru his bottle before it all came back up. Grandpa just looked at him and finished off his bottle and the young man's bottle too.

    Friday night they went to the local house of ill repute, where grandpa ordered up 10 of their most beautiful women, and they went to a room together. The young man started sweating and grinning - just knowing that he was gonna win tonights contest. 20 minutes later after all the ladies were undressed and had rubbed themselves all over both of them, grandpa stands up and takes down his pants -- pulls his stuff out and ties it in a knot, then looks at the young man and says "Your turn".

  6. #46
    Cranker Jord_84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Northern Illinois
    Posts
    840
    Chats: 3

    Default

    Long but good,

    THINGS TO DO AT WALMART:

    1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

    2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

    3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

    4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

    5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"

    6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

    7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

    8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

    9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"

    10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

    11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10

    12. Play with the automatic doors.

    13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

    14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this ****, anyway?"

    15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

    16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

    17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

    18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

    19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

    20. Put M&M's on layaway.

    21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

    22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

    23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

    24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

    25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

    26. TP as much of the store as possible.

    27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

    28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

    29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

    30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

    31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

    32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

    33. Take bets on the battle described above.

    34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

    35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

    36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

    37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

    38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

    40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

    41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

    42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

    43. Two words: "Marco Polo."

    44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

    45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

    46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

    47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

    48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

    49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

    50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

    51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

    52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

    53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

    54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

    55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

    56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

    57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

    58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

    59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

    60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

    61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

    62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

    63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

    64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

    65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

    66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

    67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

    68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

    69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

    70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

    71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

    72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"

    73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

    74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

    75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

    76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

    77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically sing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

    78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

    79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

    80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

    81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

    82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

    83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

    84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

    85. If people aren't looking at their cart, steal it.

    86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

    87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use white-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

    88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

    89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

    90. Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."

    91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

    92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

    93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

    94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

    95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

    96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

    97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

    98. Follow someone until they notice

    99. Pull out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

    100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

    101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.
    High Game-279
    High Series-733
    Righty, Tweener, I proudly use products from Storm, Etonic, and Robby Revs.


    I'm a proud member of BowlingBoards.com Bowling Forums

  7. #47
    Super Moderator

    kev3inp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    1,314
    Chats: 246

    Default

    A man was quoted as saying "America will get behind a black president when pigs fly!" 100 days after the inauguration, swine flu.

  8. #48
    SandBagger
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    246
    Blog Entries
    35
    Chats: 52

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kev3inp View Post
    A man was quoted as saying "America will get behind a black president when pigs fly!" 100 days after the inauguration, swine flu.
    That's as much fun as playing whak-a-mole w/Cindy Crawford.

  9. #49
    Cranker Jord_84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Northern Illinois
    Posts
    840
    Chats: 3

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kev3inp View Post
    A man was quoted as saying "America will get behind a black president when pigs fly!" 100 days after the inauguration, swine flu.
    darnit you beat me to it!!!

    I got that on my phone yesterday
    High Game-279
    High Series-733
    Righty, Tweener, I proudly use products from Storm, Etonic, and Robby Revs.


    I'm a proud member of BowlingBoards.com Bowling Forums

  10. #50
    Super Moderator

    kev3inp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    1,314
    Chats: 246

    Default

    Someone at work heard it on the radio and by the end of the day everybody had it as a text. Very "viral" isn't it?

Page 5 of 17 FirstFirst 12345678915 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Are cleaning machines a joke?
    By The KingPin in forum General Bowling Discussions
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 02-27-2009, 09:35 AM
  2. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 12-30-2008, 08:43 PM
  3. The Official ONEFROMBILLS Congrats thread
    By The KingPin in forum Site News
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 12-13-2008, 06:56 AM
  4. Bowling Joke
    By liowkc in forum General Bowling Discussions
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 09-17-2008, 02:17 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •