The Official Joke Thread

[Jord_84]

Someone at work heard it on the radio and by the end of the day everybody had it as a text. Very "viral" isn't it?

har har har...yes it is!

my mom got it in an email and then forwarded it to me yesterday.
then I heard it on "Bob and Tom" this morning.

another good joke from Bob and Tom:
when Obama runs for re-election in 4 years, he can run on the "once you go black, you never go back" platform....which will guarantee him the chubby white girl vote, and that's a lot of votes.

[Jord_84]

time for a new joke

[Efusjon]

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell any carrots?

[jBryan]

Hahaha the e-mail with the spider drawing is hilarious.

[The KingPin]

Here is a great quote


"In life you are either the pigeon or the statue"

[JaxBowlingGuy]

time for a new joke

That spider email was great... it passed around our office a couple months ago... long but work it...lol

[poflobo]

This is actually a true story.

Not long after my divorce, during a conversation with a friend, I asked "Where are all the good-looking, intelligent women who are close to my age?"

He said "DEAD!"

[Stormed1]

This is a test for Intelligent People.
I have determined that you qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?





The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tested whether you tend to do simple things In an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?





Did you say, Open the refrigerator,
Put in the elephant,
And close the Refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, Put in the elephant and close the door.
This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one.
Which animal does not attend?




Correct Answer: The Elephant.

The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.

This tested your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?






Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.



Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

[poflobo]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."



The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.......You can have the duck."

[poflobo]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they
could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you
want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well, the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."