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Thread: The Official Joke Thread

  1. #71
    Ringer Maine Man's Avatar
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    What does Tiger Woods and seals have in common?

    They both get clubbed by Swedish people.
    James Goulding
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    "The Maine Bowler" blog: www.jgoulding.wordpress.com

  2. #72
    High Roller Stormed1's Avatar
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    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

    'Jesus knows you're here.'

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

    When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

    'Jesus is watching you.'

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

    Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

    'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'

    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

    'Moses,' replied the bird.

    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

    'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
    Still love the game but had to quit because of my left leg amptation
    High game 299 x 5 High sanctioned series 805 (1989)

  3. #73
    Member BearClaw1973's Avatar
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    These two old Farmers were sitting on the front porch rocking in their rocking chairs, drinking Ice Tea just looking out at the fields. Nothing much being said just enjoying the day and swatting at flies and such. The old farm Hound Dog walked lazily onto the front yard and plopped down at the foot of the porch steps. All the sudden the old Hound started licking himself. The old Farmers steady rocking and sipping their Tea when one Farmer looked over at the other and said "ya know Bobby, I wish I could do that". A few moments later the other Farmer stoped and pulled the tooth pick from his mouth and said "Earl,....that dog will bite you".

  4. #74

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    One morning Barack Obama woke up and took a shower. He stepped out of the shower, looked in the mirror, and screamed. What he saw in the mirror was that he was white from the neck up. He called his doctor and explained what he saw, and the doctor told him to come in. Obama arrived at the doctor's office and the doctor examined him. The doctor moved to his medical table and produced a brownish, nasty looking liquid, and told Obama to drink it. Obama drank the mix and said, "This tastes like bull****." The doctor replied, "It is, you're about a quart short."

  5. #75
    Member JMH's Avatar
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    Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

    "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

    "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

    "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

  6. #76
    SandBagger WAC4504's Avatar
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    Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

    The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement
    of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

    The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been
    exciting.

    The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at
    the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks
    from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part
    were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his
    arms.

    The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

    The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a
    call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room.
    When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was
    no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an
    old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to
    make it go down." He paused.

    The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

    The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong
    room."
    __________________________________________________ _____________
    Good luck and good bowling
    Bill

  7. #77
    Member JMH's Avatar
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    A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

    To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

    About 90 students raise their hands.

    Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

    About 40 students raise their hands.

    That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

    About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

    Three students raise their hands.

    That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

    Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

    The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

    The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

    When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

    Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

  8. #78
    Cranker comfortably numb's Avatar
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    Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he couldn't go around it.
    Last edited by comfortably numb; 05-26-2011 at 07:53 AM.

  9. #79

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    What did yes say to no? Maybe!!!

  10. #80
    Cranker comfortably numb's Avatar
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    The 18 year old's Mom and Dad were having a hard time deciding what kind of boy they had raised, so a week after high school graduation, they decided to test him, without his knowledge. The Dad laid out three items in plain view for his son to see when he got home from visiting a buddy...a bottle of whiskey, a fifty dollar bill, and a Bible; if he chose the whiskey, he was going to be a drunk; if he chose the money, he was going to be a businessman; if he chose the Bible, he was going to be a preacher. The Dad and Mom hid themselves in a place where they could see what their son would choose, without being seen by their son. Sure enough, a few minutes later their son arrived home and immediately saw the three items. First, he picked up the 50 dollar bill and put it in his pocket. Next, he took a great big swig of the whiskey; finally, he picked up the Bible and stuck it under his arm, and walked away. "Oh, no" his Dad whispered to his mother, "it's our worst fear....he's going to be a politician!!"
    What is seen is temporary, what is unseen is eternal.

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