The Official Joke Thread

[bowl1820]

Groaner ... Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However, all the league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[bowl1820]

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a
bowling ball.
-Don Carter, pro bowler

[bowl1820]

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than
any other game.
-Bruce Lansky

[bowl1820]

Top 10 Things to do While in an Elevator...
10. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
8. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
7. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
5. Start a sing-along.
4. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
1. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

[striker12]

Top 10 Things to do While in an Elevator...
10. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
8. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
7. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
5. Start a sing-along.
4. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
1. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

ok bowl this is one of the best ones that i have seen i like it

[bowl1820]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a tbunnie****."

[bowl1820]

Oldie but a Goodie

A man on His Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head.

In a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
...
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, plus it's hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside. What she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment. Why she cries. What she means when she says nothing's wrong. Why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[bowl1820]

Fishing

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[bowl1820]

Three Hard Mice

Three Hard Mice
Three male mice were sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila, arguing about how tough they were.

The first mouse said, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the second mouse.

The second mouse replied, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the third mouse.

The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and began walking away from the bar.

The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"

The third mouse replied, "Home to shag the cat."

[bowl1820]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something in its rear end. I walked over and lifted the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it—stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I was lifting the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that"!