The Official Joke Thread

**bowl1820** · 03-11-2012, 02:08 PM

THE NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF HEALTH

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.

3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

**bowl1820** · 03-11-2012, 02:10 PM

Big Chief Forget-me Not

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab
decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.

**bowl1820** · 03-19-2012, 11:20 PM

A king had two sons. The king was getting very old and he didnt know who to give his kingdom to. So he got his sons together for a horse race. He said Whoevers horse crosses the finish line last gets my kingdom. So they both started out very slow until they came to a man on the side of the road. He asked why they were riding so slow. They told him their story and the man gave them two words of advice. After hearing these words they took off as fast as they could. What were the two words of advice?

Answer:
Fvzcyl gb fjnc ubefrf (jurerol trggvat npebff gur svavfu yvar svefg jbhyq rafher gung gur evqref ubefr pebffrq ynfg).

**The German Shepherd** · 05-29-2012, 05:44 PM

An accordion player arrived home after an exhausting gigat a wedding reception. He was so tired that he didn't feel like he had the eneergy t lug hs heavy accordion and case back into the house, so he carefull locked all the doors and checked the windows to make sure his accordion would be safe until morning. After a good night's sleep, he remembered that he had left his accordion in the back seat of his car, and he rushed out to get it and take it back inside. But when he got to his car, he realized that his nightmare had happened. Somebody had smashed out his back window, and put another accordion in the backseat of his car...

**JerseyJim** · 05-30-2012, 06:23 AM

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later , the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

**martinezsam2495** · 07-11-2012, 03:14 PM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

**martinezsam2495** · 07-11-2012, 03:18 PM

Some funny bowling sayings I heard,
If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

**martinezsam2495** · 07-11-2012, 03:20 PM

Johnny's teacher tells her class, "Class, I'm going to ask you a question at 2.55pm every Thursday and whoever answers it correctly will be excused from school on Friday and can enjoy a three-day weekend."

The students got really excited about this and were anxiously awaiting fro Thursday afternoon to arrive. On Thursday, at precisely 2.55 pm, the teacher addressed the class. " Students, this week's question is 'Who can tell me Pythagorean Theorem ?" After a long pause she said, "Well, I guess I'll see you all tomorrow."

The teacher was teasing the childern. She always planned to ask question that no fifth grader could ever answer.

Now Johnny was getting wise to the teacher's scam. The following Thursday, Johny brought to school both his parent's bowling balls. At 2.54, he rolled them down the aisle and they crased into the teacher's desk. The teacher jumped up, came around the front of the desk and yelled, "All right, who's the comedian with the big balls?"

Johnny says, "Eddie Murphy! See you monday!

**RoccoRock** · 07-26-2012, 08:05 PM

3 guys were driving through the country, and their car breaks down. They walk to the farm up the road. They ask the farmer if they can stay the night, and get the car fixed in the morning. He says ok, he takes one of them to the barn with the pigs, and says, you can sleep in here. He takes another to the barn with the cows, and says, you can sleep in here. He takes the third guy and says I only have room for you to sleep in here. He opens the door, and the room has the farmers 18 daughters. So when the men wake up they sit at the breakfast table together. The first guys says "man I feel like a pig, cause I slept with those pigs. The sendond guy say "yeah I feel like a cow, cause I slept with those cows." The third guy say "well I feel like a golf ball, I've been in and out of 18 holes."