What was tigger looking or in the toilet?
A little Pooh
What is a fruit bat?
Something you hand a Mexican vegetarian kid at his birthday party.
What was tigger looking or in the toilet?
A little Pooh
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop."
Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second would have had the sense to duck.
A termite walks into a bar and asks "So, where's the bar tender?"
A priest, a rabbi and a horse all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What the hell, is this some sort of joke?"
I've got more of these, but I'll spare you the agony.
Men make 2 % more money than women do, but the women keep the rest.
Here's a real groaner...
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some a$$h*le out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just wh*res and hockey players up there."
"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
A fourth grade teacher was telling her students about life in the ocean when Suzie excitedly raised her hand and asked the teacher, "What kind of fish swallowed Jonah in the Bible?"
The teacher was a bit uneasy since Suzie brought up the Bible in class, however, being a liberal socialist, she felt the need to explain to Suzie the truth about the Bible. The teacher said, "Suzie the Bible is a book of fairy tales and fables, it's all make believe."
Suzie quickly shot back, totally ignoring the non-Bible believing comments and asked, "Was it a really really big fish?"
The teacher explained again that the Bible and everything in it was untrue.
Suzie then replied, "Never mind teacher, I'll just ask Jonah myself when I get to Heaven."
The teacher fired back, a bit too aggressively, wanting to unsettle the 10 year old, "And what if Jonah doesn't go to Heaven?"
Calmly Suzie replied, " Then you can ask him yourself."
Not helping the situation since 1983.
Bowling Average: 180
Bowling Handicap: Beer
Bowling Style: Completely Wheels Off
Righty / Lefty: Righty
Bowling Balls: Lane #1 Droid (Strike Ball), Storm Crossroad (Strike Ball. I hate the smell...), Hammer No Mercy (Retired Strike Ball. We had a good run. RIP, old friend!), Ebonite Magnum (Spare Ball), Ebonite Maxim (Spare Ball)
Best Game: 267
Best Series: 695 (just 5 more pins... I don't wanna talk about it!)
A married couple of 35 years finally decides to get counseling. Once in the phychologists office she strarts right in ......He was such a wonderful husband and lover. Now he sits around the house in that dirty undershirt watching Tour De France vidiows and such. I'm neglected and I may as well not be here at all, except when he needs someone go get him a beer. I don't now how much more of this I can take. Ignored, unloved, overworked..........
The counselor looks at the husband and says "What do you have to say?" - No response .
He gets, walks over to the wife. stands her up. and kisses her passionately in front of the husband, then sits down again.
He stares at the husband and firmly says...
Do you think you can do this for her three times a week?
The husband thinks and responds.....yes, I think so...
I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesdays, but I golf on Fridays.......
I live by three simples rules:
1. Don't ever ask about my business
2. Never discuss business at the table
3. Don't ever side with anyone against the family
The 40-year old virgin finally finds love in the Chineese restaurant. It was love at first sight. He had been studying sex most of his adult life and here is his chance to try all the things he imagined. they lock the door and "have at it". Finally, he cries out in passion....
"I want sixty-nine."
""Sixty-nine"
To which his partner says...
"You wan, Chicken Cantonese now? "
I live by three simples rules:
1. Don't ever ask about my business
2. Never discuss business at the table
3. Don't ever side with anyone against the family
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