The Official Joke Thread

[ArtVandelay]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

WANTED: HUSBAND!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME.
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you - you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
doorbell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[ArtVandelay]

Here's a sign you can print and place on your bowling team's table, if anyone needs it:

[ArtVandelay]

I live in Texas, so I'm allowed to post this. Sort of like, I'm Irish, so I can call myself a Mc.


40 Things you'll never hear a redneck say:

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

[ArtVandelay]

Here's a Christmas one (tis the season, right?):




When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.Then
Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.When
he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.Then
when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell
to the ground and all the toys were scattered.Frustrated, Sant a went in the house
for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the
straw off the end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa
marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great
big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

[ArtVandelay]

I'll leave this one to the mods to edit if they choose, but I don't think it's too harmful, and it's too funny to omit.


A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

An innocent little girl spit out hers, and said, "Are they a$$ holes?"

[The KingPin]

I'll leave this one to the mods to edit if they choose, but I don't think it's too harmful, and it's too funny to omit.


A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

An innocent little girl spit out hers, and said, "Are they a$$ holes?"

I think that Art should be the BowlingBoards.com Jester?? Any seconds???

[kev3inp]

Yep, I'll second him for that. I've heard most of them, but it's nice to have someone else write them up.

[ArtVandelay]

Gotta have jokes! And I'm honored to have started a thread that's now a sticky. hahahahaha.

[ArtVandelay]

Ah, it's Christmas time. Here's one of my favorite jokes. It reminds me of Christmas years ago, and I first heard it years ago, so you've probably heard it too:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complained that she was incredibly slow and the whole line was backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decided he should see this for himself, so the 2 men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up that there were Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package carefully between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .

"I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[ArtVandelay]

New Dog Breeds Recognized by AKC

The following new combination dog breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes (and Charles BARKley's favorite word)

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ****zu
Bull..... Oh, never mind